I danced and danced and danced. For hours / Kristina

My Birthing Story.

Technically it started on the Thursday...but things didn’t get cranking until the Saturday really. The Thursday night I did my regular waddle to the toilet in the middle of the night and as I got back into bed I noticed my underwear felt wet. So I waddled (faster this time) back to the toilet to investigate. I couldn’t see anything so I put a pad on. When I went back to bed again, I told my husband Andrew. We wondered if this was it. Was it my water breaking? Were we finally going to meet our little barb-a-loot? Was it a boy or a girl? I messaged my midwife and tried to sleep.

The next morning my midwife asked to see what my pad looked like and told me it was just a bloody show (I still cringe at that expression... it sounds so aggressive). She explained that my cervix was starting to soften which was a great thing. I told her that I still hadn’t set up my birth space and I still remember how she firmly said “you should do that today”. It was then that I kind of snapped into actually realising things could be happening and that I could be meeting my baby very, very soon. The thing I was most nervous about at this point was that Bub was sitting posterior (back to front). I had googled (of course!) and found that posterior babies are more likely to be a “more painful birth” with a lot of back pain. The articles I had read also talked about how posterior babies are more likely to result in interventions such as induction, forceps/ventouse and even c-sections, particularly for a first time mum. Given that we were planning a home birth with no interventions, I didn’t know how to reconcile this in my head. How do you plan for your Ideal birth, but be ok with things not going to plan? This was one of the challenges I really struggled with. I used the hypnobirthing affirmation track to help me with this and tried to remind myself that I wanted a healthy baby in my arms and however he/she came into this world, the important part was that we are together. I kept visualising holding my baby for the first time. But I could only ever visualise it happening at home, I just felt like everything was going to work out ok. I set up my birth space, clearing the room for the pool, putting affirmations up to help me. I had my Hypnobirthing Australia cheat sheets up with their acupressure points and reminders about how incredible my body is. I also had some special words from my closest friends and family encouraging me. I put all of these out to help prepare for “the big day” and wondered when it would be.

On the Friday I had a pregnancy massage and I told the practitioner about my “show”. She was so excited for me and incorporated pressing some acupressure points to help open up the energy in my body to assist with labour and getting things cranking. I didn’t really have anything else to prepare myself for the baby that I could think of. I had this belief that if I tried to do too much to prepare, it would actually stress me more. I knew from hypnobirthing that stress is the enemy and can slow everything down. Any time I started to feel anxious I would listen to their affirmations (it was my favourite track!) That night as I showered I decided to shave my legs. I know that sounds silly but I always hear new mums talk about how they don’t even have time to shower much less shave their legs. So I thought I had better just do it now... just in case! As I stood up, rather cumbersomely, I remember feeling a strange movement and when I got out of the shower I saw what I thought was possibly my mucus plug. I remember looking at Andrew and thinking “shit is definitely happening now!”. I messaged my midwife and she said she would be over in the morning to check me but to keep her posted if there were any changes. Going to bed that night was exciting and terrifying. THINGS WERE REALLY HAPPENING. After all this time!! I had been so mentally prepared to go past my guess date as most first time mums do. But I was literally 39 weeks on that Friday. I had been prepped for at least another two weeks! My husband and I discussed our plans for the weekend and wondered if this time tomorrow we would be holding our baby in our arms finally!!! Saturday came and I woke up, I really couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to because I felt myself gearing up mentally for what was going to happen. Andrew and I walked to vote and I was feeling a little bit of period like pain. I had had lots of Braxton hicks but that was nothing new. We decided to then go out for breakfast for our last little hang out time before the baby would arrive. It was around this time I also noticed some wetness on my pad. My midwife arrived late that morning and checked my pads. She said that it could still be a show or it might be a hind water leak which she said was common in posterior babies. She performed a test that confirmed it was a hind leak of my waters. Even though we had been talking like the baby would arrive soon, I still couldn’t believe it. MY WATERS WERE LEAKING. The baby was beginning its journey out!!!!

With our midwife, we formed a plan to help get labour going. Given the leak, we needed things to move along as the longer there is a rupture of membranes, the higher the risk of infection. At 18 hours the hospital would also suggest antibiotics but I knew I didn’t want to do that unless I absolutely had to. It seemed like the best course of action to get labour cranking as quickly as we could. I tried to find the right balance between resting in preparation for labour, but also doing things to get it moving along. Andrew went and bought a breast pump for me and I tried that during the day as the stimulation can help. I also tried moving a lot at home and trying positions that would help Bub move out of being posterior and into the anterior position. By the afternoon not much had really changed. I got the occasional cramp but nothing crazy. I tried a nap but my mind was whirring. What if labour didn’t start today?? Would I have to go to hospital? How would I feel there? Would I have to be induced? What if Bub stayed posterior?

I put on my hypnobirthing tracks and it helped me to relax and focus on the big picture: holding the baby in my arms, no matter how it got here.

I definitely couldn’t sleep. So I decided to get up and went for a massive walk with Andrew. During the walk my, what felt like period pain, increased. It was happening every six minutes while we walked and I was thrilled! Finally some consistency. It was also so nice to soak up more one on one time and talk excitedly about the future. We also went over ways Andrew could support me during labour. By the time we got home, I was feeling really good that things were moving along. It was early evening at this stage. But once I sat down and tried to get some rest in, things slowed down again. I didn’t realise this at the time but the same thing would happen over and over when full on labour hit me. I remember starting to lose a little bit of hope. But then a random surge would come on. I would literally call out to Andrew (who was making dinner) and say “wooohooo I just got another one!!!” And he would say “yay, that’s amazing babe!!” It was so good to celebrate my surges with him. By the time I went to bed my surges were more intense. We tried to watch something to distract me so I could also have a bit of a sleep. But my surges got more intense. I decided to use our TENS machine to see if it would help me sleep. I also spoke to our midwife and updated her. Andrew would hold my pelvis as my surges intensified and the pressure felt nice. I also breathed through them which felt really empowering. At one point he fell asleep and I didn’t wake him for the surge. I breathed through it without the pressure and found that I could manage it ok by myself. Around 1.30am I stopped being able to sleep between my surges as they were much stronger. They would be coming at different times, sometimes three minutes apart sometimes ten and would last about 1 minute. I kept my midwife updated and she came over at 4.30am. My midwife offered to do a vaginal exam not to see how dilated I was, but to check if my fore waters had broken as they may not have yet. She also suggested that if they hadn’t, she could break them for me. In our birth plan we hadn’t wanted vaginal exams nor had we wanted my waters to be broken artificially. But we had carefully selected our midwife and in the lead up to our birth she had explained that she wouldn’t offer a vaginal exam unless it was very necessary. Our midwife was on the same page as us: women are made to birth and can more often than not do it with minimal to no intervention. I was also aware of the benefits, risks, alternatives and outcomes if we did nothing with these procedures. I believed that at this stage, our best bet at having our home birth was to go along with her suggestion as this was also what she believes to be our best shot at a home birth. I remember being shocked at how thorough she was with gaining my consent. I’ve never had a doctor be so thorough explaining a procedure and also making sure I was ok during it (certainly not for a Pap smear which felt more invasive than this!). After the vaginal exam and membrane rupture, I got moving. I paced and paced the house with my TENS machine on while Andrew and my midwife filled up the pool. The surges were getting more intense and I was starting to feel quite emotional about things. Now and then I would say to myself “I can do this. I can do this.” And Andrew and my midwife would contribute “yes you can. You absolutely can”. I felt so supported! I paced and paced and listened to the hypnobirthing affirmation track on repeat. It felt like a while but I was then able to get in the pool. It was niiiiiccceeee. But a little too nice... I was so relaxed in the pool and with the tracks playing that everything slowed down. So I got out of the pool and continued to pace. And paced. And paced. I remember saying to my midwife after a surge “I must be half way by now right?” Thinking that she would say “oh god yes, you’re nearly there”. But she didn’t. Instead she said “I’m not sure... maybe”. And I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was around 2 or 3pm at this point but it was only 9:30am. But still, things weren’t quite progressing as quickly as we had hoped and I found out it was because bub was posterior. I took a break from pacing and knelt down on the floor. I tried to visualise the baby’s hard descending with each breath as I exhaled.

By midday, my midwife was explaining to me that if things don’t progress in a few hours, she would recommend we go to the hospital to be induced. I felt defeated and scared. Why wasn’t my body doing what it was supposed to? What could I do to fix this? What if things took a worse turn at the hospital? I also knew that if I was induced, the surges would come on a lot faster and more intensely and I didn’t think I could turn down (or not demand!) pain relief. I said as much to my midwife and told her how badly I did NOT want to go to hospital. But I also knew that if it came to it and she said we had to go, it would be because we have exhausted all other options and going to hospital would be the safest thing for me and my baby at that point. At this point I was getting such intense back pain with each surge and that was bothering me more than the pain at the front. I had stopped using my TENS machine as it was beginning to feel weird on my back (in a tingly way). My midwife had offered saline injections into my spine earlier and I had turned them down. But now, knowing that things were still going to be a while, I asked for them. She explained how they feel like a wasp sting when first performed and I remember thinking that it probably was more like a mosquito bite. But it wasn’t. They definitely feel (only temporarily!) like four or so wasps (or one super kissed wasp!!) have stung you right in the spine. Once the sting settled, I had some relief. But I still felt gutted. My mind kept going to worst case scenario and I assumed I would HAVE TO go to hospital. My midwife suggested I have a nap given I’d had barely any sleep the night before. I had a hot shower and the heat helped with some of the pain (although apparently it can reduce the effectiveness of the saline injections I later found out ). And then I lay down and cuddled Andrew. I cried to him. I told him I didn’t want to go to hospital. How disappointed I was that I couldn’t do this at home. How I didn’t think I could turn down pain relief. How I felt like I was letting him down and letting the baby down. Like I said, I felt defeated. He reminded me that our goal was a baby and maybe the “how” would be a little different, but that it sure wasn’t letting him down. But most importantly he reminded me that things might not actually go that way! I was throwing the baby out with the bath water. I still had hours before we would possibly have to go to hospital and a lot could happen in that time. I knew he was right. And I was mad at myself for having such a defeatist attitude. I realised I could stay in my mindset or I could shift it to be positive. And I knew that if I was positive, things were more likely to change. And that even if they didn’t, at least I had tried my hardest and truly done everything I could. At this point I used a life coaching technique called emotional freedom technique. The general gist of it is that you tap acupressure points on your body to release negative emotions and thoughts and to reword your brain to positive ones. I used this technique to help clear those crappy thoughts that told me I couldn’t do it, and changed them to “I can do this”. I also used it to make myself feel ok whatever the outcome: going to hospital or staying home, and changed this to remember how excited I am to meet my baby. When I got up my midwife suggested we try a particular manoeuvre to see if it would help bub turn out of the posterior position and move along the birth canal more easily. It involved me laying on my side and her pushing down during a surge. It was uncomfortable but I was willing to try anything. Andrew also got out our activator and adjusted my spine to help the nerve flow to my reproductive organs and to also align my pelvis to give the baby as much room as we could to turn. I came into our birthing space again and Andrew asked me what I wanted to listen to. I think my actual words were “fuck it, let’s put on some music instead”.

I had found a playlist a couple of days before called “strong women” and it was full of songs I loved to sing and dance along to. So that’s what I did. I danced and danced and danced. For hours.

Andrew danced with me and I felt my mood just soar! Everything felt like it was going to be ok and I was so happy! There was one Kelly Clarkson song that got me absolutely pumping and I used her words as affirmations “I know I’m superwoman, I know I’m strong. I know I’ve got this, coz I’ve had it all along. I’m phenomenal and I’m enough!” As I danced my surges got more and more frequent and more intense. I found myself unable to just breathe through them anymore and I started letting out moans when they came on. I also started wrapping my arms around Andrew and become a complete dead weight while they ran their course. It was so beautiful having him support me emotionally and physically as he carried my weight during the surges. After a few hours we tried the pool again. This time things kept progressing. My surges got more intense, I vocalised during them and Andrew ran water along my back between them. I felt like I could barely speak at this point. With each surge my body started to push involuntarily. My midwife recognised that the anterior portion of my cervix had not thinned enough and was forming a lip that bub kept butting against. It was getting inflamed and causing me to bleed. She tried to get me to stop pushing but because it was so involuntary, I couldn’t stop myself. After some time in the pool the cervix still wasn’t thinning enough and she suggested I move to the shower in a “head down, bum up” position. This was supposed to help the cervix thin. I made my way (with assistance!) to the shower. Andrew stood over me and shot hot water from the shower head over my back and front to help with the surges. I didn’t realise it but this was when I was in transition. All I could do was try to survive this time. I kept reassuring myself that very soon my midwife would get me out of the shower and drive me to the hospital for a c-section. But I did the maths... this meant it would still be another hour or so of going through everything and I wasn’t sure I could. In fact I was sure I couldn’t. I thought that learning about transition would have made me more aware of when I entered it. But it really didn’t. And to be honest, I thought transition would be.... well... nicer. I was absolutely sure I couldn’t keep going but I was too tired to vocalise it. My midwife and husband kept telling me how great I was doing and how I could keep going. I was too knackered to bother disagreeing. My midwife wanted to check my cervix and I semi crawled/hobbled/was helped to the bed to be checked. The “lip” was still there but she was now able to move it during a surge and the babies head was able to descend. And then somehow it was time to push! I tried multiple positions but (it was surprising to me) on my back was the most comfortable. Andrew held my hand and helped me hold one leg in the air. My midwife encouraged me to push with my surges and she held a warm compress to my perineum. Soon the head was surfacing. “Do you want to touch it?” My midwife asked. I shook my head. I was too tired to reach down and touch it. “Go in touch it, you won’t have this chance ever again” she said. And I was too tired to argue so I reached down and touched my baby’s head for the first time. I couldn’t believe it! There was so much hair. I thought that I must be close to being done, I knew the head was the most challenging part to push out. In fact once his head was out I don’t even remember having to push (although I’m sure I did). Baby came out with one hand up by their neck.. Baby was placed on my chest once I said “we’ve been waiting for you!”. I had asked my midwife to let Andrew tell me the sex of the baby. It was a weird feeling being so in love with this wet little bundle on my chest and still not knowing what it was. I turned to Andrew and he choked out “it’s a Chase”. Instantly I knew he meant it was a boy, because we had already decided on Chase for a name. I was overwhelmed!! He was here!!!! I did it!!! I had gotten through all the curve balls that had seemed impossible at the time. And he was birthed in our bed!! It was all so special and surreal. My midwife advised that given my exhaustion levels, she recommended the oxytocin to deliver my placenta. It wasn’t something I had planned but again, like the vaginal exams and waters breaking, I knew that if she was suggesting it, it was best. We waiting for the cord to be white before Andrew cut it. Then I was given the injection and delivered my placenta. My midwife showed me my placenta and it was really interesting but all I wanted to do was stare at my beautiful son. Shortly after that I gave him his first feed. Then it was time to hand him to his dad (which I know Andrew was beyond excited about) so that I could shower. I had also torn a little bit due to his hand being up by his neck so I needed stitches. After that, it was time to rest and call our family.